Tastes Like Chicken
by Cassie E
Summary: One of the Serenity crew's jobs gets a little well done. Ficlet I had written a while ago...


**Tastes Like Chicken**

Jayne Gang Challenge: Hello Sexy:

Tastes Like Chicken

By Cassandra E

Rating: PG—for General Silliness

Disclaimer: Ain't mine, except Little Beak.

Spoilers: After Ariel and War Stories.

A/Notes: Just writing a ficlet for the Jaynegang challenge. It was one I issued, having Jayne say the line "Hello Sexy" in a fic. And I decided to take a small break from Eye tonight. Originally, I had a completely different idea for this, but my muse somehow thought it would be funny with a parrot instead. Especially Jayne and a parrot. Not like That, people! Dirty minds…Enjoy and review! Chinese Translations:jiao-zi: pan fried dumplings, hundan: bastard, chun: stupid, chunren: fool, jerk, Qingwa cao de liumang: Frog humping sumbitch!

~~~~~~~~

Jayne glared at Kaylee as she fed the gorram parrot seeds. The parrot, named Little Beak, was Serenity's new cargo. Some special breed of its species, damn qui on the black market; Little Beak was the beloved pet of some rich dandy, one of Inara's old clients, Lord Asano. Lord Kiss My Ass to be more like it. The mercenary hadn't like the pompous man, when he had accompanied Mal and Inara to pick the damn bird up. The man had looked at Jayne as he was a bothersome rodent, sticking his nose up his pee go. And the man had even done worse when taken a good look at Mal. Didn't help that captain has been a mite irritated when he discovered what the big important cargo would be. Nor when Little Beak had insulted him, squawking, "Browncoat scum." 'Course the captain had his share of words with chunren and had been ready to send Little Beak to the big bird heaven in the sky. Or the special hell reserved for insolent parrots.

Unfortunately, Inara had been able to diffuse the situation, sweetening the hundan up, probably made the man's pecker go all stiff. Not that Mal and Jayne had been much thankfully for her help. Especially Vera, who had been disappointed at being taken out nowhere nice, when Jayne had promised her.

So the deal was made, and Little Beak was taken aboard Serenity on his merry way to Lord Asano's summer estate on Greenleaf. The tamade hundan couldn't take the parrot with him on his extended vacation on the famous cruise vessel, The Majestic. Apparently, something about the air gave the parrot allergies, stupid dandy bird that it was. At first, Little Beak had resided in Inara's shuttle, but the companion had quickly tired of the bird's insolent remarks concerning whores and the like. When Mal had agreed with the animal, she had spitefully left the bird in the mess hall. And strangely enough, every time Mal came into the room, Little Beak would squawk flirtatiously, whistling, "Damn fine tight pants! Captain Tightpants!" This had the captain all in a temper, threatening to open the airlock and letting the bird 'migrate' to the estate. Then Kaylee had come to Little Beak's rescue, delicate heart that she was, charming the bird up quickly.

It was disgusting, seeing her cooing to the damn thing. Jayne even thought the pansy Tam was envious of the bird. Didn't help none that Little Beak would cackle mockingly every time the doctor came near the mechanic, "Qingwa cao de liumang. Nuofu doctor." Even Wash, who had been entertained by the bird, grew to dislike Little Beak, when it would whistle lewdly at Zoe, "Fine Legs, honey, come to papa. Tasty." And later on, it had taken a good piece of skin from his finger, when the pilot had attempted to mock the bird. And Zoe didn't much appreciate Little Beak's lewd remarks about her legs, and other… body parts.

Little Beak hadn't stop then, taking to mocking the scriptures from the Bible, getting the gentle preacher all indignant. Book had refused to enter the mess hall afterwards, even when Kaylee kept the bird in her bunk. The Shepard had preferred the solitude of his bunk, until Little Beak was gone. Which wasn't anytime soon, since how Greenleaf was at least a week away; a month to Jayne, since the damn bird would go all quiet when he entered the Mess. Nope, no insults about Jayne, nor praises, not even damn pick up lines like Mal's or Zoe. Chun dandy bird didn't find the mercenary worth it's time. Like he wasn't good enough.

And this really, really annoyed Jayne. Cause gorramit, he deserved it. He weren't any different from the rest of the crew. Well, except for River. Crazy gorram girl.

And to share something in common with that loonie, well, the annoyed Jayne even further.

Cause Little Beak was absolutely terrified of the younger Tam sibling. It would squawk up a storm, when the girl would spend hours staring at it. Just lookin' at it. Kinda creepy, like she was communicating with it. One time after a long hour staring contest, she had said simply, "Chicken. Poultry. Needs good seasoning."

Jayne spat on the blade of his knife, taking a cloth to polish it. He threw another disgusted glance at the mechanic, as she feed Little Beak a slice of apple. His apples. He had bought them for the crew for recompense on the Ariel incident. Not that they knew. Except maybe River, since the girl had taken to throwing the fruits at him, yelling lashi about, "Serpents and foolish greedy men." Weren't nuthin' amusing when she prepared her sneak attacks from the cat walks. Mal had hidden the apples, when one of her attacks had smacked him in the head. So now only each crew member had a small quantity of apples, and Jayne had given his share to Kaylee, since she asked all nicely. Made him feel bad, and now the fucking bird was eatin' his gorram apples! The bird who did not want to insult him. Like it was better than Jayne. Jayne, who had killed ten men once, had taken them one by one. And weren't that worth somethin'? Stupid bird, didn't know gose. What kind of gorram name was Little Beak any how? Little his foot, damn bird had too much of a big mouth.

"Ain't pretty, ain't you handsome." Kaylee cooed at the bird, "You eat that apple all up now, you hear, mister?"

Little Beak finished crunching on the apple bit, replying, "Yes, little Kaylee, baobei."

Kaylee preened, "Aww, ain't you sweet," turning to Jayne, she said,"Ain't he sweet, Jayne? Don't know why the Cap'n got so angry at him. Just a poor bird, ain't his fault."

"More." Little Beak demanded for more apple bits.

Kaylee looked at the empty plate, crest fallen. "Shoot, I ran out. Now don't you worry, honey. I'll be back with more. Jayne, watch him will you?"

Jayne grunted, finishing off the polish, while muttering under his breath, "Stupid gorram…"

"Jayne, pretty please?" Kaylee cajoled,"I'll just be a few minutes."

"Fine, go on git." Jayne conceded reluctantly. The mechanic scurried out of the hall quickly, while Jayne just stared at the bird. Little Beak had gone all quiet as he usually did. His beady little eyes staring Jayne down, mocking him, resembling its owner Lord Asano, Jayne stood up, letting the knife trail across the table. The metallic scrapping leaving its mark on the wooden surface, Jayne leaned in close to the cage,"Whatcha lookin' at?"

Little Beak ruffled his blue green feathers, sticking his beak in the air. 'Course this pissed off Jayne even more, "What you ain't got nuthin' to say to me?"

He tapped the knife on the cage, "You too stupid, that's what you is. Come on, say something."

Not a peep from Little Beak. Jayne swore the damn animal was laughing at him, mocking him. "Come on, say…"  
>He took a moment to consider a good insult or compliment; he smiled smugly when he found the perfect one, "Say Sexy Jayne."<p>

Silence. Jayne tried another one, "Hello Sexy," then a different seductive tone, "Hello Sexy."

Kaylee chose that moment to walk in her eyes open wide as she took in what Jayne was saying. She tried to keep the giggle from rising, but failed miserably. Jayne whipped around, feeling like the time his ma found looking at nekkid girlie pictures. She had whupped him so hard with the broom. Humiliating, when Mattie had teased mercilessly for a week about the incident, at least until Jayne had hanged him by his pants from the clothesline. Mother had whupped even harder when she found Mattie crying on the clothesline. Jayne stepped away from the table, sheathing Binky at his side, "Whatcha laughin' at?"

Kaylee had tears sliding from her eyes, the giggling had turned into full blown laughter, "It's jus'…you was hittin' on Little Beak."

Jayne felt his face grow red, "I was not. I was jus' getting him to say something. He won't talk to me."

"You shoulda said…how you felt Jayne. I coulda given you more time alone." Kaylee said, laughing.

"Ain't like that. Gorramit Kaylee, quit your laughing. And if tell anyone about this, the bird gets it."

That stopped Kaylee's giggling, the humor draining from her face. "Now that ain't funny Jayne."

"Well, bi zui. Dong Ma?"

Kaylee glared at him, "You know you're…fine be that way. Fink."

Jayne nodded satisfied with his threat, he turn to walk out the hall when he heard movement in the cage. Just as he stepped out the doorway, he heard it. The insult. Finally.

"Goodbye, Stupid," called out Little Beak. Kaylee began her giggling at the thrown insult.

Jayne cursed out loud. Yep, he was right, the bird was stupid. Couldn't even get it right. After all, how hard was it to say, Hello Sexy? Stupid bird, eating his gorram apples, couldn't wait till it was good and gone.

Three Days Later…

Jayne sat down to eat, tucking the end of his napkin in his shirt. He eyed the soup warily as did everyone else. River had cooked. The girl had thrown a fit, saying she wanted to cook, not even the smoothers had helped calm her down. So the captain had conceded on the account, that Book watched her. In case she got in mind to put something funny in the food. The meal consisted of a side of jiao-zi, stew of some kind of meat, and cinnamon apples. The stew did smell something good, made Jayne's stomach grumble in hunger.

Kaylee looked forlornly at her plate. Little Beak had somehow gotten loose from his cage, and so far no search had turned the foul-mouth bird up, not that the crew minded much. Mal only minded at the loss of the cargo and the lack of payment they would be getting, once reaching Greenleaf. Inara was ashamed that she had failed her client. This had led to another bickering match between the two, resulting in a ceramic vase being thrown in the captain's direction as he left the shuttle. It had nicked his ear.

Jayne could not resist the smell of the stew any longer, digging his spoon in. Everyone watched as he took the first bite. The mercenary savored the delicious stew, chewing on the tender meat, swallowing. He declared his verdict, "Tastes like chicken. Not bad."

The crew sighed in relief, glad to see that merc did not drop down dead. Not for the pain of his passing, but for the loss of the meal, since they were a mite hungry. Mal took a spoonful, chewing thoughtfully, "He's right, ain't bad, ain't bad at all. Good job, River."

River smiled enigmatically in her seat. She took a bite from her cinnamon apples, her stare on the mercenary as he ate his own side of apples.

After everyone had there fill of the stew, Wash brought up a question that had been nagging at the back of his mind. "So what kind of meat was that? I mean I don't recall us getting any on Boros."

Mal turned to Book, "So preacher? I don't rightly recall either."

Book wiped his mouth with the napkin, "To be frank, I don't know. River had already placed it to cook when I went to retrieve some basil from my things."

"What is it mei mei?" Simon asked his sister as she took a spoonful of stew into her mouth.

She took her time chewing and swallowing, the crew waiting patiently. Once she finished, she gave them a patronizing look, as they should've known all along. "Chicken. Poultry. Needed seasoning."

Jayne was in mid bite when he took in what she said. He dropped his spoon into his bowel, gaping at the girl across from him, "Gorramit, she kilt it."

"Killed who?" Simon asked, not liking the idea of his sister involved in a murder.

"The damn bird!"

Kaylee turned green at the revelation of eating her feathered friend, she clutched her stomach, "Aww, Lordy…I think I'm gonna be sick." She left her seat in a hurry, Inara not to far behind, who also had gone queasy. Mal smirked at the Companion's pale complexion as she rushed past him.

Simon looked at River in horror, feeling sick to his stomach also. "Mei mei…I don't know what to say."

Mal shrugged, finishing his plate, "I do…damn good."

Book and Zoe kept silent, thoughts on the insolent dead bird that now filled their stomachs. Wash reached over to Kaylee's plate for her fried dumplings, "I agree, very tasty." Zoe slapped his hand away from her own plate. Wash gave her an injured glance, "Shenme? It was."

Jayne just looked at River and then back to his empty bowl. The girl smiled, mouthing the words silently, winking, "Hello Sexy."

With that Jayne pushed his bowl away, unnerved. Musta been Kaylee that told her what he done. Had she?

Wash gestured to Jayne's dumplings, "You gonna eat that?" Jayne shook his head his eyes avoiding River Tam. The girl had taken another bite of her apples, eyes filled with knowledge in the merc's direction. Wash happily lifted the food of the Jayne's plate.

"Sir, what are we gonna tell Lord Asano?" Zoe asked.

"Tell him what?"

"About his parrot, the one we had for dinner?"

Mal looked at her blankly, "We'll say it was Reavers."

"How will we explain…how we survived?" Zoe insisted.

Mal pondered the question for a moment, grinning. "These Reavers liked chicken?"

THE END


End file.
